limbo

i want to renovate this house.

i want to love this dog. even though i am [typically] very afraid of dogs.

i want to throw this party, at that house, with one of those dogs to get in everyone's way while watching the film.

have you ever thought about the afterlife? it's been on my mind a lot lately. and not in a morbid, scary, depressing way. i guess. more like in a what's the purpose of all of this way. at the moment, i'm not even sad. i have come to terms with where i am at and the probable fate of the next year. but, i still have an ache to move forward. i know the wiser, that advise me so eloquently, would say to tread slowly and enjoy this. but, i've never been one to sit around and wait for goals to be achieved in their own time. so much so that i concoct these clear, specific paths to achievement and overwhelm my own ability to enjoy the now. i know there is always going to be something more and that life shouldn't be lived chasing down the next dream. that's tiring. and quite honestly, my muscles aren't equipped for distance running. but, day in and day out i am slapped in the face with the life-is-incredibly-short reality. it hurts. and i want to accomplish so much in this little existence. so i need. to. start. now. right? 

this season of life is a purgatory of sorts. tolerable, but uncomfortable. not heaven [ahem, nebraska-dream home-family-happily ever after]. not hell [ahem, high school]. the rainy spring slowly turning into a lush summer. leaving behind the dark of winter. the not quite there, but have come so far. and so i'll be here. enjoying the buds of life [not of the anheuser variety, although a few of those might be enjoyed along the way too]; the sprouting of dreams through a confused and hopeful soul.